How I’m preparing for my second home birth
I gave birth for the first time almost 4 years ago. It felt absolutely WILD. This is by no means a comprehensive telling of my birth story. But I will start with sharing some of the good and some of the bad details from that birth, as they inform my preparation for my upcoming birth. If you are not in a place to read anything negative about giving birth, skip this one.
First birth
Birth affirmations made for me by friends and family during a Mother Blessing ceremony I requested as my initiation into parenthood.
I loved moving my body and was exercising up until 2 days before I gave birth! I remember the day after that, I had this urge to rest until the birth came, and it came the following day! A rainy Sunday. Some good things I remember about that day. That morning I was just feeling really excited. I was having period like cramping in the middle of the night and couldn’t really sleep. Eventually I took a bath (something we suggest as doulas to our clients to see if the contractions will keep coming or fade away) and in the bath is when I noticed that they were distinct contractions that were coming and going, coming and going. Later that morning, I was resting in my bed, with the light and rain outside my window. My husband was cooking for me and put on some light piano music for me. It was lovely.
I really was happy with how staying home avoided any interruptions to the labor process and also kept my nervous system regulated. I am very sensitive to my envirnoment and not a “good patient.” which are big reasons that home birth is more comfortable for me. I didn’t have to think about when to leave for the hospital, get into the car while contracting, try to cope during a car ride and going through different parts of a hospital and interracting with strangers, one after the other. Also my husband was comfortable in his own home too! And he and my doula absolutely rocked in helping me through. My husband said it felt like they were supporting a boxer between rounds!
There were negatives as well. I was dreading the transition phase throughout my whole pregnancy. Once I got there I was really pissed. I was pissed at all of the positive birth stories that I had heard that made it seem like if I relaxed enough I would not feel as much pain. I had prepared by using hypnobirthing (listening to different tracks) and thought that this would make it less painful. That message was the MOST harmful one for me leading up to that birth. I really felt I was doing something wrong and not “good at birthing.” because I was not serene. I was cursing (in my head or outloud, I’m not sure but likely both) and begging for it to be over. These feelings resulted in a lot of shame that I have spent the last 4 years working through. Luckily, prenatally my midwife had told me she had felt really angry during transition, and one of my doulas had also said “at some point you will want an out.” A much more realistic view than what my algorithm and hypnobirthing sources provided that I could anchor onto afterwards.
Another positive - during the pushing phase, there came a point for a few reasons that it felt like “ok, this baby needs to come out NOW,” And in the next 2 contractions I dug deeper than I ever had in my entire life to get my baby out! The feelings of pride that gave me for hours, days, weeks, months to come was incredible. I really had never dug that deep in mind, body, soul and I got my baby out safely. I could feel how proud my husband was of me, and I was also relieved for it to be over.
The negatives after that was a postpartum hemorrhage that required painful management, and a larger amount of tearing than is typical, leading me to decide to go to the hospital afterwards. This time was really hard for me, and I felt robbed of the “eat and go to sleep in your own bed” ending that I really did deserve after such an immense physical, mental and spiritual feat. I realize now some of my trauma came from the experience of it NOT being over. Luckily my midwife and doula were excellent in supporting me during this so I was not alone and I was not scared. For weeks after, thinking of them during that time and what they did for me would bring tears to my eyes.
Lets end here on a positive, which was how peaceful the entry into the world was for my baby at home. There weren’t any new people coming into the room. Nobody was touching him. He was able to land on my chest, and I was able to land back into the room without anyone prodding us or talking to us. This pause to land is sacred and I’m so grateful I was given the space to experience it. He got probably 2 hours of time with me before getting his vitamin K shot, before cutting the cord, before being weighed, before someone else touched him or picked him up…
What I found valuable from my preparation for my first birth:
Spending time learning about birth.
I read and listened to MANY, MANY birth stories before I got pregnant and during my first and second trimesters.
I took a comprehensive birth prep class that went over all of the stages of labor and educated us on most of the possible interventions, what they entailed, their pros and cons as well self-advocacy tools.
Moving my body throughout pregnancy, continuing my preferred types of exercise while listening to how my body felt and modifying as time went on. I found prenatal yoga to be grounding for me as pregnant person too.
Being cared for by homebirth midwives, my partner and I had monthly hour long prenatal appointments where we got to talk alot about the birth process, ask questions, make plans and decide on my birth preferences. Doing the appointments together automatically created space and time for us to prepare together.
Postpartum I re-read through the emotional sign posts of the stages of labor in The Birth Partner and found they were very accurate! A friend recommended this book to me and I now recommend it to everyone.
Listening to and reading birth affirmations.
Last but probably should’ve been written first: picking a provider that I trusted whose view of birth and perinatal care aligned with mine. For me this meant trusting the birth process, offering tests and procedures and allowing me to ask questions and say yes or no to them, providing evidence based care and guidance and not rushing me during appointments and during labor.
Preparing for my Upcoming Birth
These are affirmations that I made for myself after a phone call with my doula.
I have been anxious about giving birth again ever since. My postpartum recovery felt hard, I couldn’t run comfortable for a long time, I suffered from postpartum depression and anxiety… I’ve done a lot to get to this place of happily welcoming another pregnancy and baby, which I’m proud of! So now, some things I’ve been up to this pregnancy,..
1 - Cultivating a coping mindset
I took a course from Birthing from Within called "Practicing a coping mindset” as part of my doula trainings. And from that course I learned that when I am uncomfortable or feeling sick, I am usually in a thought loop with thoughts like “I hate this, I hate this, I hate this, when will it be over, someone make it stop, why???….” This type of thinking really did cause suffering for me last time during my birth. In the training we were introduced to several different ways to either distract from or accept and move towards the discomfort. So now I practice these whenever I feel nauseous or am in pain, even during difficult moments of workouts, and I have noticed a widening in my capacity to cope.
2 - Taking a prenatal yoga series with my doula friend Sophia Phillips
Sophia has a lot to share around somatic practices, and their 6 week prenatal yoga series was something I didn’t know I needed! Sophia skillfully integrated concepts throughout the sessions around widening your window of tolerance and accepting uncomfortable sensations as part of labor prep.
3 - Hiring a birth doula who can really speak to my emotional wounds and offer me reframes
I interviewed three doulas, and during that process was able to list out what qualities I was looking for in a birth doula. Those conversations and making that list was an important step for me. I realized I wanted a doula who had given birth unmedicated before and more than once (since that is what I was doing and it is very hard, I wanted them to understand it themselves) and someone who had kids but ones who were older than mine. Meaning they were out of this pregnancy, baby, toddler phase of life and a more experience parent than I am. And lastly, which was the most important, is someone who was good at reframing my thoughts for me, as I can be quite negative towards myself.
3 - Creating some personal affirmations. My favorite is “Different Body, Different Baby, Different Birth!”
I realized that in anticipation of this upcoming birth, I was picturing it to be just like my last one. I was feeling like I knew what would happen. But actually I DON’T know what will happen at all! I don’t know what this birth story will be like. Moving into this place of curiosity has brought me peace. I am also anchoring onto memories of my first baby and how lovely it’ll be to have this baby in my arms soon.
4 - Reading Transformed By Birth by Britta Bushnell
Which has played a big role in shifting me into a place of curiosity, and it’s another book I highly recommend.
5 - Remembering that the hardest part of labor is the shortest
Transition, the most intense part of labor, where the doubt comes in, the begging for it to be over, that part is the SHORTEST part of labor. Before my first birth I told myself “I just have to get through a day” and afterwards I realized “I just have to get through a few hours,” which I find comforting.
6 - NOT doing “all the things” in order to guarantee a “perfect birth.”
In wanting to learn about birth and also as a response to anxiety and feeling the need for control, I felt OVERWHELMED by resources and suggestions and all the things I HAD TO DO to be ready. To birth “right!” I started this pregnancy doing that again, and working with my doula has helped me move away from being stuck in that place of anticipation. I am practicing trust that when it’s time to give birth, I will do it. But I am not giving birth RIGHT NOW, so I can enjoy my life and don’t need to put internal pressure on myself to “prepare correctly.”
